Coffee

I’ve always hated coffee.

Not just the taste that bears a striking resemblance to bark (I’ve never tasted bark, but I imagine that it tastes like coffee) but I hate ANY food that is hot. I find myself putting food into the freezer immediately after its cooked and enjoying a premium lukewarm meal. So, shoveling coffee, which is equal, temperature wise, to magma nestled deep in the earth’s fiery core is not for Griff. Yet, even the heat is tolerable, and no reason to hate this deep brown concoction.

The absolute worse thing about coffee is a coffee drinker.

It pissed me off to an infinite degree to hear people whine and bitch and moan and completely unable to focus without their “morning cup.”

IT’S JUST A DRINK!

Nobody acts about milk the way people act about coffee. It’s obsessive and it’s annoying to have the ghost of coffee floating behind someone’s eyes when you’re talking to them. I hate coffee shops with their pretensions ass-clownery and people who feel “artsy” because they can order a double French vanilla mocha chino latte grande with cream and lizard feet or whatever the hell you pay $8 bucks at Starbucks for. I see you jerks and it makes me sick.

I’m even more sickened by the fact that I now like coffee.

Lord, why hath you forsaken me?

Not just that prissy stuff either. I love black coffee, blacker than the heart of the devil himself.

I guess I’m sweet enough. :)

It must be a job that starts at 8:00 in the morning and ends at 10:00 at night. If I want personal time I need help.

I NEED HELP DAMMIT! IT’S NOT MY FAULT!

Energy drinks are fine but I loathe the fact that people in my generation need to drink about five before they can be motivated to do anything. Black coffee has a lot less calories, sugar, and other things that can ruin a 10-year reunion that energy drinks have in mass quantities. It’s cheap. It keeps me awake. It’s terrible for your heart, but Adderall has already made sure that mine is paralyzed and 3 sizes to small anyway. Who wants to live forever? Not me.

I’ll take it black.

So, I’m sorry I hated all you coffee drinkers. I’m still not going to do the whole coffee shop thing because of the yuppie scum factor, but I can no longer give my spiel about coffee being “just a drink.” It’s good, dammit! It’s good to my face! I NEED IT!

I need my morning cup.

*Cry*